Joke Thread -- Post Jokes Here (No images please...)

[Mike295]

Horse walks in to a bar.. Bartender asks "Why the long face?"

thank you good night I will be here all week besure to tip your waitres

[High_Revs_17]

Why does a chicken coupe have two doors?

Cuz if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.

[Barbi]

Originally Posted by mike195

Horse walks in to a bar.. Bartender asks "Why the long face?"

thank you good night I will be here all week besure to tip your waitres

:omg: I thought I was the only one that knew that joke!

Ok, ok....

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No ideer.

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

Still no ideer.

one more....

What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no "thingy"?

Still no fugging ideer.

thank you thank you!

[Barbi]

Why do eskimos wash their clothes in tide?

Cuz it's too cold out-tide.

[Smokes35]

To a man in the dentist chair, the dentist asks, do you mind if I ask a personal question?
The man says sure ,go ahead. The dentist asks were you eating a little pussy last night?

The man replies why yes, do I have pubes in my teeth?

The dentist says no you have shit in your nose.

[soda7o]

Two women friends had gone for a "girls night out."
They both were very faithful, loving wives... however, they had gotten a bit over enthusiastic on Margaritas at the Rio.

Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to pee, so they stopped in a cemetery. One had nothing to wipe with so she decided to take off her panties and use them. Her friend, however, was wearing expensive panties and didn't want to ruin them... luckily she had squatted next to a grave that had a fresh wreath with a ribbon on it... so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls completed their "business" they continued toward home.

The following day, one of the husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed and hung over. He phoned the other husband, and said "These girls nights out have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst! My wife came home with no panties!"

"That's nothing!" said the other husband, "mine came back with a card stuck to her butt that read:

"FROM ALL OF US AT THE FIRE STATION... WE WILL NEVER FORGET YOU!!!"

[soda7o]

A man escapes from prison where he has spent the last 15 years. He breaks into
a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He
orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed
he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "listen, this guy's an
escaped convict look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail
and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex,
don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much
he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us.
Be strong, honey. I love you".

To which the wife responds: "he wasn't kissing my neck. He was
whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute,
and asked if we had any Vaseline(petroleum jelly or lotion). I told him it
was in the bathroom.

Be strong honey. I Love you too!!"

[Ant]

A Greek and Italian were sitting in a Starbuck's one day discussing who had the superior culture.

Over triple lattés the Greek guy says, "Well, we have the Parthenon."

Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."

The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."

The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire."

And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.

With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"

The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women!"

[FigNewTon]

One day, down in the mystical forest, a magical frog was hopping towards a water hole. The forest was so enormous that the frog had never laid eyes on another animal before. But today, by chance a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner.

The frog called for the two to stop and said, "Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant both of you three wishes. Bear, you can go first." The bear thought for a moment, and being the male he was, said, "I wish for all the bears in this forest, apart from me, to be female."

For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it on. The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that.

It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest were female as well."

The rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and roared the engine. The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for such idiotic items, because after all, he could have asked for money and bought the bike.

For the last wish the bear thought for a while and then said, "I wish that all the bears in the world, apart from me, were female."

The rabbit grinned, roared the engine, and said, "I wish that the bear was gay."

[Ant]

A bear and rabbit are sitting next to each other in the woods taking a crap. The bear looks over at the rabbit and asks "Do you have a problem with poop sticking to your fur?" The rabbit replies "No".

So the bear picks him up and wipes his ass.

[FigNewTon]

A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students. Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, "Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"

She replied, "He's probably playing golf with his friends."

[Cakes206]

Originally Posted by WSprtuaL

JENNINGS!

Hehe, yo...scroll up a couple posts

Anyone seen Xenos?

[FigNewTon]

Originally Posted by Cakes

Hehe, yo...scroll up a couple posts

Anyone seen Xenos?

Whats the problem? hehehe

[Cakes206]

Originally Posted by WSprtuaL

Whats the problem? hehehe

LMFAO!!

[Smokes35]

This pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel hanging from his fly...

The bartender says to the pirate, "Pirate, you've got a sterring wheel hanging from your crotch!"


And the pirate says, "arrrgh, I know, it's drivin me nuts."