Joke Thread -- Post Jokes Here (No images please...) - Page 5 - Sportbike Addicts

SAXON117 · 07-20-2006, 02:14 PM

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the man and said, "Do you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.

"Nope, sure ain't." said the man. "Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan.

"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone

"Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.

"Yep," was the calm reply.

"And you are still not afraid?" asked Satan.

"Nope," said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, " Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years

jcblitz · 07-25-2006, 10:51 AM

The lady at the Immigration and Naturalization office came into the office late one day to see a room full of people. She took a moment to overhear a conversation already in progress before her anonymity was compromised. Two Italians were engaged in an animated conversation. Her attention was galvanized when she heard one of them say:

First Emma, she coma.
Then I coma.
Then to asses they bump togetha'.
Then I coma again.
Then to asses they bump togetha' again.
Then I coma again.
Then pee twice.
Then I coma one lasta' time.
"You foul mouth swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

He says to her, "Hey, coola downa lady. Imma justa teachin' my frena' howa' to spella' Mississippi."

***Cakes206*** · 09-12-2006, 03:40 PM

A blonde was driving down the street in a sweat because she had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

Looking up toward heaven, she said, "Lord, take a pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Church every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up sex and tequila."

Instantly, and miraculously, a parking place appeared.

She looked up again and said,
"Never mind, I found one!"

sonny · 09-12-2006, 03:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cakes

A blonde was driving down the street in a sweat because she had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

Looking up toward heaven, she said, "Lord, take a pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Church every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up sex and tequila."

Instantly, and miraculously, a parking place appeared.

She looked up again and said,
"Never mind, I found one!"

So funny, i forgot to laugh!

GinoE · 09-12-2006, 03:51 PM

two flies on the toilet seat, now there is only one...

the other one got pissed off

Quote:

Originally Posted by Drew

There are two flies in the kitchen. Which one is the cowboy?

The one on the range!

jcblitz · 10-04-2006, 12:43 PM

A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.” He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero.” The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week.” The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want.” Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess, that I’ll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?” The man said, “Look, I’m a computer programmer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool.”

Jon FZ1 · 10-05-2006, 12:51 PM

During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks."

The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first."

The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender.

"I'm a professional gambler," replied the man.

The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?"

"Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy.

"Like what?" asked the bartender.

"Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said.

The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said.

So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you screwed me," said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.

"I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye," said the stranger.

The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet." So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.

"Aw, you screwed me again!" protested the bartender.

"That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars," said the man.

With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop."

The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "Okay, you're on," he said.

The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.

The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!"

The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!"

Jon FZ1 · 10-05-2006, 12:59 PM

Two drunks were trying to figure out how to get some alcohol for free.

They only had a dollar in change between them. "I've got it, follow me." said the first man.

They went to a hot dog stand and bought a dog and threw away the bun. "We'll go into a bar and order drinks, and when the bartender asks for money, I'll unzip my fly and pull out the hot dog. You drop to your knees and pretend to suck me off."

The second man agrees to this and they start thier rounds.

When they get to the bar, they sit down and have a beer.

The bartender tells them, "That will be 3 dollars."

The first man stands up and upzips his fly. The second man drops to his knees and starts sucking on the hot-dog.

"You faggots!", screams the bartender. "Get the hell out of here!"

They run out and go to another bar and order drinks and when the bartender asks for money, the first man unzips his fly, and the second man drops to his knees.

The bartender throws them out.

After the sixth bar the second man complains, "Man this isn't working out so well, My knees are killing me!"

"You think you've had it bad..", the first man exclaims......

"I lost the hotdog 4 bars ago!"

Barbi · 10-18-2006, 11:21 AM

Little Tony had been playing outside with the other kids for a while
when he came into the house and asked "Grandma, what is that called when 2
people are sleeping in the same room and one is on top of the other ?"

She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth.

"It's called sexual intercourse, darling."

Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK." and went back outside to talk and play
with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,

"Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse!

It's called Bunk Beds! and Jimmy's Mom wants to talk to you."

DSH · 10-28-2006, 08:19 AM

FIRST LECTURE ON AUTOPSIES

A professor is giving the first year medical students their first lecture on autopsies, and decides to give them a few basics before starting. "As a medical professional you must be capable of two things to do an autopsy. The first thing is that you must have no sense of fear." At this point, the lecturer sticks his finger into the dead man's anus, and then licks it.

He asks all the students to do the same thing with the corpses in front of them. After a couple of minutes silence, they follow suit.

"The second thing is that you must have an acute sense of observation: I stuck my middle finger into the corpse's anus, but I licked my index."

***Cakes206*** · 10-28-2006, 09:25 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DSH

FIRST LECTURE ON AUTOPSIES

A professor is giving the first year medical students their first lecture on autopsies, and decides to give them a few basics before starting. "As a medical professional you must be capable of two things to do an autopsy. The first thing is that you must have no sense of fear." At this point, the lecturer sticks his finger into the dead man's anus, and then licks it.

He asks all the students to do the same thing with the corpses in front of them. After a couple of minutes silence, they follow suit.

"The second thing is that you must have an acute sense of observation: I stuck my middle finger into the corpse's anus, but I licked my index."

eww.

soda7o · 11-22-2006, 01:28 PM

Orthodox JEWISH WEDDING.

A modern Orthodox Jewish couple, preparing for a religious
wedding meet with their rabbi for counseling. The rabbi asks
if they have any last questions before they leave.

The man asks, "Rabbi, we realize it's tradition for men to
dance with men, and women to dance with women at the
reception. But, we'd like your permission to dance
together, like the rest of the world."

"Absolutely not," says the rabbi. "It's immodest. Men and
women always dance
separately."
"So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?"
"No," answered the rabbi. "It's forbidden."
"Well, okay," says the man, "What about sex? Can we finally
have sex?"
"Of course!," replies the rabbi. "Sex is a mitzvah - a good
thing within
marriage, to have children!"

"What about different positions?" asks the man.
"No problem," says the rabbi. "It's a mitzvah!"

"Woman on top?" the man asks.
"Sure," says the rabbi. "Go for it! It's a mitzvah!"

"Doggy style?"
"Sure! Another mitzvah!"< /STRONG>

"On the kitchen table?"
"Yes, yes! A mitzvah!"

"Can we do it on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a
couple of
vibrators, a leather harness, a bucket of honey and a porno
video?"
"You may indeed. It's all a mitzvah!"

"Can we do it standing up?"
" No." says the rabbi."

"Why not?" asks the man.
"Could lead to dancing"

**FigNewTon** · 12-07-2006, 03:16 PM

COP vs. LITTLE GIRL:

A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on
her new shiny bike stopped beside him.

"Nice bike," the cop said. "Did Santa bring it to you?" "Yes Sir"the
little girl said, "he sure did!"

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a
safety violation.

The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back
of it." !!!

The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you've got
there Sir. Did Santa bring it to you?

Playing along with the girl, he chuckled and answered "Yes, he sure did"
!!!

The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the
dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."

SAXON117 · 01-10-2007, 12:07 PM

Medical Definition...Guts vs. Balls:

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below...

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions

Barbi · 01-10-2007, 12:53 PM

nice saxon nice