Joke Thread -- Post Jokes Here (No images please...)

[Vin]

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"

"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.

"Great!" the husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

[Pirate]

a sailor is in a foreign port and wants to get laid before the boat leaves. so he goes into this brothel and says to the lady at the desk, " Hey lady i got 30 minutes before my ship leaves and i need to get laid. what can i get for $45?" she replies, " all of our good girls are already taken. I'm sorry."
And he's like, " look i really want to get laid i dont care if she's not pretty. Do you have anything?"
The lady thinks for a bit and says, " Well there is one, she is under the stairwell in the hallway. it will be $45."
He's Like, "Great!!! I'll Take it!!!"
so he goes in the little room and starts getting his groove on when all of a sudden He sreams.." Aahhhrrrrggghhhh!!!!!"
He goes running out of the room and the lady asks him," whats the matter are you ok?"
He replies, " I was fucking her and then all of a sudden yellowish- white stuff started coming out of her eyes and nose and mouth..."
The lady then yells, " Hey Earl, The dead one is full!!!"

[Vin]

Originally Posted by Pirate

a sailor is in a foreign port and wants to get laid before the boat leaves. so he goes into this brothel and says to the lady at the desk, " Hey lady i got 30 minutes before my ship leaves and i need to get laid. what can i get for $45?" she replies, " all of our good girls are already taken. I'm sorry."
And he's like, " look i really want to get laid i dont care if she's not pretty. Do you have anything?"
The lady thinks for a bit and says, " Well there is one, she is under the stairwell in the hallway. it will be $45."
He's Like, "Great!!! I'll Take it!!!"
so he goes in the little room and starts getting his groove on when all of a sudden He sreams.." Aahhhrrrrggghhhh!!!!!"
He goes running out of the room and the lady asks him," whats the matter are you ok?"
He replies, " I was fucking her and then all of a sudden yellowish- white stuff started coming out of her eyes and nose and mouth..."
The lady then yells, " Hey Earl, The dead one is full!!!"

:puke1:

[Cakes206]

Originally Posted by Vinny

:puke1:

...nasty.

[DougZ]

This is forthe slightly older crowd who remembers the commericals:

What do you give an 80 year old woman for her birthday???








































Mikey, he'll eat anything.

[Pirate]

my ex- manager at the night club told me that joke...

[Pirate]

The Mexican drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, " In Mexico our glasses so cheap we don't need to drink from the same glass twice."
The Iraqi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his AK-47 and shoots the glass to pieces. He says,"In Iraq we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either.
The Texan, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the Mexican and the Iraqi, and catches his glass. He says, "In America we have so many Mexicans and Arabs that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.

[Pirate]

A blond died her hair brown because she was tired of being picked on,She was driving along the countryside when she got a bright idea and stopped at a nearby farm. she said to the farmer "If i can tell you how many sheep you have in total can I have one?""ok" said the farmer, so she quickly counted them and said 91. The farmer looked around astonished and said "alright take one"As she was walking back to her car the farmer said "If i can guess your natural hair colour can i have my dog back?"

[Pirate]

would someone tell me if they like these??

[Vin]

Originally Posted by Pirate

would someone tell me if they like these??

Keep posting, that's what the thread's for.

[ronin_01r1]

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant
you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed
to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"

The woman said, "That's okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the
world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your
husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will
flock to".

The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful
woman, and he will have eyes only for me."

So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the
world. And he will be ten times richer than you."

The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his
is mine."

So, KAZAM - she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd
like a mild heart attack."


Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop
here and continue feeling good.

Male readers only: Please scroll down.


















































The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!!

Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really
smart.

Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to
show that women never listen!!!

[Cakes206]

Two women were talking about their lives since they had become Nursing home residents.

They both agreed that life was good but one woman, Ethel, said she was rather upset because her sex life had really died out since she and her Husband had come to the nursing home.

The other woman said that her sex life was great!

"The secret to great sex is this," the woman told her, "when my husband is getting ready for bed, I get undressed, lay on the bed and put both legs behind my head. When he comes out and sees me like that he gets so excited, we have wild sex the rest of the night!"

Ethel says, "I'm going to try that tonight!"

When Ethel's husband is getting ready in the bathroom that night, she takes off all her clothes. Although it's a struggle, she gets one leg up and behind her head. Pretty soon, she has the other leg behind her head as well. After accomplishing this great feat, Ethel falls backwards and can't move.

It's not too long before her husband comes out of the bathroom. With a shocked look on his face, her husband yells "For God's sake Ethel, comb your hair and put your teeth in, you look like an asshole!"

[John712]

On a hot summer day, a redneck cowboy came riding into town on his horse with his dog following. He tied the horse and dog under the shade of a tree and went into the bar for a cold beer.

About 20 minutes later a policeman came into the bar and asked who owned the dog tied under the tree. The redneck cowboy said that it was his. The policeman said, "Your dog seems to be in heat." The redneck cowboy replies, "No way dog's in heat; he's cool cause I got'im tied under the shade of the tree." The policeman says, "No! you don't understand; your dog needs to be bred." No way", the redneck cowboys says, "dog don't need bread, he's not hungry, cause I fed him beef jerky this mornin". Now the policeman gets mad and yells out; "NO! You don't seem to understand, your dog wants to have sex!"

The redneck cowboy looks at him and says, "Go ahead. I always wanted a police dog!"

[ZumaMama]

A man is riding down the road on his motorcycle when a rabbit dashes out in front of him. He tries his best but hits the rabbit and kills it. He standing by the side of the road by the dead rabbit looking very sad when a blonde in a convertible stops. She asks the man whats wrong and he tells her about hitting the rabbit and that it's dead. The Blonde replies "Oh I can fix that" and she goes to the trunk of her car and returns with a can. She shakes the can and sprays the rabbit. Suddenly the rabbit jumps up waves and hops down the road 10 feet. He stops again and waves and hops 10 feet more. He continues doing this until he is out of sight. The man is amazed and says " Wow that's amazing can whats in the can? Can I see it" The blonde hands the can to the man and the label reads
"Hair Spray. Revives dead hair and leaves a permanent wave"

Had to send it
Linda

[ZumaMama]

one more quick one

What's the difference between a hoover vacuum and a harley?



The position of the dirtbag!


Sorry Harley guys but I just love that one.