Joke Thread -- Post Jokes Here (No images please...) - Page 6 - Sportbike Addicts

SAXON117 · 01-10-2007, 01:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Barbi

nice saxon nice

yeah, I know

Barbi · 01-17-2007, 10:36 AM

Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk...
a) Innovative
b) Preliminary
c) Proliferation
d) Cinnamon

Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk...
a) Specificity
b) British Constitution
c) Passive-aggressive disorder
d) Transubstantiate

Things that are ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk...
a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.
b) Nope, no more booze for me.
c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.
d) No kebab for me, thank you.
e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
f) I'm not interested in fighting you.
g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.
h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no co-ordination. I'd hate to look like a fool.
i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.
j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.

HookRone · 01-31-2007, 10:45 AM

It was Postman Mike's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift check for $500.

At the second house they presented him fine Cuban cigars in an 18-carat gold box.

The folks at the third house handed him a case of 30-year old Scotch whisky.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a dumb blonde in her lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the dumb blonde fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, tomatoes, bacon, sausage, toast, and freshly-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a $5 bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the five dollars for?"

"Well," said the dumb blonde, "last night, I told my husband that today could be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you".

He said, "Fuck him. Give him five bucks." She smiled prettily. "The breakfast was my idea

SAXON117 · 01-31-2007, 12:21 PM

A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began
his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second.

On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his
cell phone rang. It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just
been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the
ICU.

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that the
he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was
leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf. H e
decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital.

He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting a
personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating
his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant... Then he
remembered his wife.

Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the
corridor and asked about his wife's condition.

The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your
round of golf didn't you!

"I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past FOUR
hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been
languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished
that round because it will be more than likely your last!" "For the rest
of her life she will require 'round the clock care. And YOU will be her
care giver!"

The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.

The doctor snickered and said, "Im just fucking with you.
She's dead ......What'd you shoot?"

Barbi · 02-01-2007, 04:29 PM

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee,
And a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "you must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.

She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly."

Barbi · 02-01-2007, 04:31 PM

Man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches Maxine sitting by herself :

Man: "May I buy you a cocktail?"

Maxine: "No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs."

Man: "Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"

Maxine: "No, they spread"

Barbi · 02-02-2007, 11:01 AM

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife

Asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side

Of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive. It was, and she

Said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get

It warm, and let it go in the morning?"

He says, "OK, Get in the car with it."

The wife says, "Where shall I put it to get it warm?"

He says, "Put it between your legs. It's nice and warm there."

"But what about the smell?" said the wife.

"Just hold its little nose."

The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat

Him with died at the scene.

jcblitz · 02-26-2007, 12:55 AM

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting.

He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said (adopt appropriate dialect), "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport.

Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make theguy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.

The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?" "What?! Get the hell out of my cab." The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.

When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "ok" and off they went. Then, as the drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.

yb929rr · 02-26-2007, 02:40 PM

disturbingly funny

***Cakes206*** · 03-10-2007, 10:11 AM

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth.

In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.

He tried and tried to dig it out but only succeeded in pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out.

The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat.

Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said, "That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?"

The father replied "From the smell of his fingers, .... Our son in-law!"

**John712** · 03-10-2007, 07:15 PM

A woman was unhappy with the way her laundry was done at the
> >
> >local Chinese Laundry, so she wrote a note and put it in the bag
> >
> >with the next collection of soiled clothes :
> >
> >"USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!"
> >
> >She got the clean laundry back, and was still dissatisfied with the
> >
> >results, so the following week she enclosed another note:
> >
> >"USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!"
> >
> >The Chinese laundryman became very annoyed, and when her
> >
> >clean laundry was delivered, it contained a note from HIM:
> >
> >"I USE PLENTY SOAP ON PANTIES!!!
> >
> >USE MORE PAPER ON ASS!!"

Barbi · 06-01-2007, 04:06 PM

Why didn't the elephants want to play cards at the zoo?

Because all the cheetahs!

jcblitz · 07-13-2007, 08:35 AM

Donald Rumsfeld briefed the President this morning. He told Bush that Three Brazilian solider were killed in Iraq. To everyone's amazement, all of the color ran from Bush's face, then he collapsed onto his desk, head in hands, visibly shaken, almost whimpering. Finally, he composed himself and asked Rumsfeld, "Just exactly how many is a brazillion?"

I know Rumsfeld is old, but I kept the joke as is.

SPRHK · 07-13-2007, 03:18 PM

> A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying

> home because she is not feeling well.

> "What's the matter?" he asks.

> "I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.

> "What the hell is anal glaucoma?"

> "I can't see my ass coming into work today

***Cakes206*** · 11-13-2007, 11:16 AM

Just got this emailed to me

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, 'Please come over here and help
me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get
started.'

Her boyfriend asks, 'What is it supposed to be when it's finished?'

The blonde says, 'According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster.'

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over
the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to
her and says,

'First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to
assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.'

He takes her hand and says, 'Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a
nice cup of tea, and then ..' he said with a deep sigh, . ... . . . .

'Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.'