Joke Thread -- Post Jokes Here (No images please...)

[jcblitz]

best blonde joke ever:

http://iphotoforum.com/forum/viewtop...c1cd2b84622ba9

[njf4i]

Originally Posted by jcblitz

best blonde joke ever:

http://iphotoforum.com/forum/viewtop...c1cd2b84622ba9

Don't try to figure that joke out when you first get up in the morning.

[Taz]

I should have finished my coffee first.

[Barbi]

I don't have time to keep looking for this... I have to leave soon....

[Barbi]

A man entered his favorite upscale restaurant and sat at his regular table. After looking around, he noticed a gorgeous woman sitting at a table nearby, all alone. He motioned the waiter over and asked him to send their most expensive bottle of Merlot over to the woman, knowing that if she accepted the bottle, she would be his. The waiter took the Merlot to the woman "This is from the gentleman seated over there," he said, indicating the sender. She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at the man, but decided to send a reply back in a note. The waiter took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He then folded it, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to return it to the woman.

It read: "For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600 and a Porsche Turbo in my garage. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you would I cut three inches off. Just send the bottle back."

[PitsVtec]

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near death experience. SeeingGod, she asked, "Is my time up"? God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live." Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, brow lift, lip enhancement, boob job, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was hit and killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me out of the path of the ambulance?" God replied, "Girrrlllllll, I didn't even recognize you!"

[PitsVtec]

This is a HILARIOUS story from an engaged man:

I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me . It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was braless. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test...we couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to our family!!!"

And the moral of this story is:


Always keep your condoms in your car...

[shadoxkila]

Two quick ones:

what do you say to a girl with two black eyes?
-Nothing you already told the bitch twice


Whats the best part of fucking 28 year olds?
-theres 20 of them

[shadoxkila]

A rich man and a poor man are sitting in a bar late one night. They're talking about different things and then the poor man asks the rich man what he got his wife for her birthday.

"I got her a brand new Mercedes Benz and a 24-karat diamond ring", said the rich man.

The poor man, a bit puzzled by this, says "Why in the hell did you get her both?"

The rich man replies, "I got her both because if she doesn't like the ring, she can take it back in her new car and exchange it."

After this, the rich man asks the poor man what he got his wife for her birthday.

The poor man responds," I got her a pair of flip-flops and a dildo."

Obviously confused, the rich man asks why he chose those items.

The poor man replied, " Because if she don't like the flip-flops, she can go fuck herself."

[PitsVtec]

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old fart, time for you to retire.” The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"

The young rooster says, "Beat it. You are washed up and I am taking over."

The old rooster says, "I tell you what young stud, I'll race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."

The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I'll give you a head start."

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farm house and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs his shotgun and BOOM he blows the young rooster to bits.

The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Damn...third GAY rooster I bought this month."

Moral of this story?. . .

Don't mess with the OLD FARTS! Age, skill, wisdom and a little treachery will always overcome youth and arrogance!

[John712]

In original native culture of Thailand, when males reach the
>>>> >>age 18 they participate in a ceremony as follows:
>>>> >>
>>>> >>They stand naked in a large circle, facing inward. A
>>>> >>beautiful naked girl does a sexy dance in the center of the circle.
>>>> >>Behind each male is a beautiful naked girl. As soon as all the
>>>> >>males are excited and have erections, the girls behind them
>>>> >>reach through between their legs, pull their erect penises
>>>> >>downward and then release them. Their penises spring
>>>> >>back up and go "WHAP!" against their bellies.
>>>> >>
>>>> >>A measurement of strength of masculinity.
>>>> >>
>>>> >>And that's why the capital of Thailand is called Bangkok.

[Hassmaschine]

On a farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.

Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life. Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing and he would then lift him out of the pit.

The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

--The moral of the story?

"When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks!"

[gottaducati]

Originally Posted by Pirate

a " Hey Earl, The dead one is full!!!"

thats so bad...

[gottaducati]

Originally Posted by Pirate

A blond "If i can guess your natural hair colour can i have my dog back?"

WEAK

[gottaducati]

Originally Posted by ronin_01R1

A Woman was out golfing Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop
here and continue feeling good.

Male readers only: The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!!

Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really
smart.

Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to
show that women never listen!!!

NICE