Joke Thread -- Post Jokes Here (No images please...)
 

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"

"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.

"Great!" the husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

last call!!!!
 

a sailor is in a foreign port and wants to get laid before the boat leaves. so he goes into this brothel and says to the lady at the desk, " Hey lady i got 30 minutes before my ship leaves and i need to get laid. what can i get for $45?" she replies, " all of our good girls are already taken. I'm sorry."
And he's like, " look i really want to get laid i dont care if she's not pretty. Do you have anything?"
The lady thinks for a bit and says, " Well there is one, she is under the stairwell in the hallway. it will be $45."
He's Like, "Great!!! I'll Take it!!!"
so he goes in the little room and starts getting his groove on when all of a sudden He sreams.." Aahhhrrrrggghhhh!!!!!"
He goes running out of the room and the lady asks him," whats the matter are you ok?"
He replies, " I was fucking her and then all of a sudden yellowish- white stuff started coming out of her eyes and nose and mouth..."
The lady then yells, " Hey Earl, The dead one is full!!!" :jerkit:

:puke1:

+1...nasty.

This is forthe slightly older crowd who remembers the commericals:

What do you give an 80 year old woman for her birthday???








































Mikey, he'll eat anything. :)

my ex- manager at the night club told me that joke... :wow:

Texas Drinking Etiquette
 

The Mexican drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, " In Mexico our glasses so cheap we don't need to drink from the same glass twice."
The Iraqi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his AK-47 and shoots the glass to pieces. He says,"In Iraq we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either.
The Texan, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the Mexican and the Iraqi, and catches his glass. He says, "In America we have so many Mexicans and Arabs that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.

Ol' McBlondie
 

would someone tell me if they like these??

Keep posting, that's what the thread's for. :)

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant
you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed
to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"

The woman said, "That's okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the
world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your
husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will
flock to".

The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful
woman, and he will have eyes only for me."

So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the
world. And he will be ten times richer than you."

The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his
is mine."

So, KAZAM - she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd
like a mild heart attack."


Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop
here and continue feeling good.

Male readers only: Please scroll down.


















































The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!!

Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really
smart.

Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to
show that women never listen!!!

:lol:

Two women were talking about their lives since they had become Nursing home residents.

They both agreed that life was good but one woman, Ethel, said she was rather upset because her sex life had really died out since she and her Husband had come to the nursing home.

The other woman said that her sex life was great!

"The secret to great sex is this," the woman told her, "when my husband is getting ready for bed, I get undressed, lay on the bed and put both legs behind my head. When he comes out and sees me like that he gets so excited, we have wild sex the rest of the night!"

Ethel says, "I'm going to try that tonight!"

When Ethel's husband is getting ready in the bathroom that night, she takes off all her clothes. Although it's a struggle, she gets one leg up and behind her head. Pretty soon, she has the other leg behind her head as well. After accomplishing this great feat, Ethel falls backwards and can't move.

It's not too long before her husband comes out of the bathroom. With a shocked look on his face, her husband yells "For God's sake Ethel, comb your hair and put your teeth in, you look like an asshole!"

On a hot summer day, a redneck cowboy came riding into town on his horse with his dog following. He tied the horse and dog under the shade of a tree and went into the bar for a cold beer.

About 20 minutes later a policeman came into the bar and asked who owned the dog tied under the tree. The redneck cowboy said that it was his. The policeman said, "Your dog seems to be in heat." The redneck cowboy replies, "No way dog's in heat; he's cool cause I got'im tied under the shade of the tree." The policeman says, "No! you don't understand; your dog needs to be bred." No way", the redneck cowboys says, "dog don't need bread, he's not hungry, cause I fed him beef jerky this mornin". Now the policeman gets mad and yells out; "NO! You don't seem to understand, your dog wants to have sex!"

The redneck cowboy looks at him and says, "Go ahead. I always wanted a police dog!"

A man is riding down the road on his motorcycle when a rabbit dashes out in front of him. He tries his best but hits the rabbit and kills it. He standing by the side of the road by the dead rabbit looking very sad when a blonde in a convertible stops. She asks the man whats wrong and he tells her about hitting the rabbit and that it's dead. The Blonde replies "Oh I can fix that" and she goes to the trunk of her car and returns with a can. She shakes the can and sprays the rabbit. Suddenly the rabbit jumps up waves and hops down the road 10 feet. He stops again and waves and hops 10 feet more. He continues doing this until he is out of sight. The man is amazed and says " Wow that's amazing can whats in the can? Can I see it" The blonde hands the can to the man and the label reads
"Hair Spray. Revives dead hair and leaves a permanent wave" :lol:

Had to send it
Linda

one more quick one

What's the difference between a hoover vacuum and a harley?



The position of the dirtbag! :lol:


Sorry Harley guys but I just love that one.

Horse walks in to a bar.. Bartender asks "Why the long face?"

thank you good night I will be here all week besure to tip your waitres :)

Why does a chicken coupe have two doors?

Cuz if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan. :ohmygod:

:omg: I thought I was the only one that knew that joke! :LOL:

Ok, ok....

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No ideer.

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

Still no ideer.

one more.... :lol:

What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no "thingy"?

Still no fugging ideer.

:crazy: thank you thank you!

Why do eskimos wash their clothes in tide?

Cuz it's too cold out-tide.

To a man in the dentist chair, the dentist asks, do you mind if I ask a personal question?
The man says sure ,go ahead. The dentist asks were you eating a little pussy last night?

The man replies why yes, do I have pubes in my teeth?

The dentist says no you have shit in your nose.

Two women friends had gone for a "girls night out."
They both were very faithful, loving wives... however, they had gotten a bit over enthusiastic on Margaritas at the Rio.

Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to pee, so they stopped in a cemetery. One had nothing to wipe with so she decided to take off her panties and use them. Her friend, however, was wearing expensive panties and didn't want to ruin them... luckily she had squatted next to a grave that had a fresh wreath with a ribbon on it... so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls completed their "business" they continued toward home.

The following day, one of the husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed and hung over. He phoned the other husband, and said "These girls nights out have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst! My wife came home with no panties!"

"That's nothing!" said the other husband, "mine came back with a card stuck to her butt that read:

"FROM ALL OF US AT THE FIRE STATION... WE WILL NEVER FORGET YOU!!!"

A man escapes from prison where he has spent the last 15 years. He breaks into
a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He
orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed
he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "listen, this guy's an
escaped convict look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail
and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex,
don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much
he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us.
Be strong, honey. I love you".

To which the wife responds: "he wasn't kissing my neck. He was
whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute,
and asked if we had any Vaseline(petroleum jelly or lotion). I told him it
was in the bathroom.

Be strong honey. I Love you too!!"

A Greek and Italian were sitting in a Starbuck's one day discussing who had the superior culture.

Over triple lattés the Greek guy says, "Well, we have the Parthenon."

Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."

The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."

The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire."

And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.

With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"

The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women!"

One day, down in the mystical forest, a magical frog was hopping towards a water hole. The forest was so enormous that the frog had never laid eyes on another animal before. But today, by chance a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner.

The frog called for the two to stop and said, "Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant both of you three wishes. Bear, you can go first." The bear thought for a moment, and being the male he was, said, "I wish for all the bears in this forest, apart from me, to be female."

For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it on. The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that.

It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest were female as well."

The rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and roared the engine. The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for such idiotic items, because after all, he could have asked for money and bought the bike.

For the last wish the bear thought for a while and then said, "I wish that all the bears in the world, apart from me, were female."

The rabbit grinned, roared the engine, and said, "I wish that the bear was gay."

A bear and rabbit are sitting next to each other in the woods taking a crap. The bear looks over at the rabbit and asks "Do you have a problem with poop sticking to your fur?" The rabbit replies "No".

So the bear picks him up and wipes his ass. :LOL:

A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students. Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, "Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"

She replied, "He's probably playing golf with his friends."

Hehe, yo...scroll up a couple posts :lol:

Anyone seen Xenos? :lol:

Whats the problem? hehehe

LMFAO!!

This pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel hanging from his fly...

The bartender says to the pirate, "Pirate, you've got a sterring wheel hanging from your crotch!"


And the pirate says, "arrrgh, I know, it's drivin me nuts."

best blonde joke ever:

http://iphotoforum.com/forum/viewtop...c1cd2b84622ba9

:LOL: Don't try to figure that joke out when you first get up in the morning. :ohmygod:

:ohmygod: I should have finished my coffee first. :banghead:

I don't have time to keep looking for this... I have to leave soon....

A man entered his favorite upscale restaurant and sat at his regular table. After looking around, he noticed a gorgeous woman sitting at a table nearby, all alone. He motioned the waiter over and asked him to send their most expensive bottle of Merlot over to the woman, knowing that if she accepted the bottle, she would be his. The waiter took the Merlot to the woman "This is from the gentleman seated over there," he said, indicating the sender. She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at the man, but decided to send a reply back in a note. The waiter took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He then folded it, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to return it to the woman.

It read: "For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600 and a Porsche Turbo in my garage. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you would I cut three inches off. Just send the bottle back."

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near death experience. SeeingGod, she asked, "Is my time up"? God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live." Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, brow lift, lip enhancement, boob job, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was hit and killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me out of the path of the ambulance?" God replied, "Girrrlllllll, I didn't even recognize you!" :boogie:

This is a HILARIOUS story from an engaged man:

I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me . It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was braless. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test...we couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to our family!!!"

And the moral of this story is:


Always keep your condoms in your car...:LOL:

Two quick ones:

what do you say to a girl with two black eyes?
-Nothing you already told the bitch twice


Whats the best part of fucking 28 year olds?
-theres 20 of them

A rich man and a poor man are sitting in a bar late one night. They're talking about different things and then the poor man asks the rich man what he got his wife for her birthday.

"I got her a brand new Mercedes Benz and a 24-karat diamond ring", said the rich man.

The poor man, a bit puzzled by this, says "Why in the hell did you get her both?"

The rich man replies, "I got her both because if she doesn't like the ring, she can take it back in her new car and exchange it."

After this, the rich man asks the poor man what he got his wife for her birthday.

The poor man responds," I got her a pair of flip-flops and a dildo."

Obviously confused, the rich man asks why he chose those items.

The poor man replied, " Because if she don't like the flip-flops, she can go fuck herself."

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old fart, time for you to retire.” The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"

The young rooster says, "Beat it. You are washed up and I am taking over."

The old rooster says, "I tell you what young stud, I'll race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."

The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I'll give you a head start."

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farm house and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs his shotgun and BOOM he blows the young rooster to bits.

The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Damn...third GAY rooster I bought this month."

Moral of this story?. . .

Don't mess with the OLD FARTS! Age, skill, wisdom and a little treachery will always overcome youth and arrogance!