Joke Thread -- Post Jokes Here (No images please...) [Archive] - Sportbike Addicts

Pirate

07-25-2005, 06:04 PM

a sailor is in a foreign port and wants to get laid before the boat leaves. so he goes into this brothel and says to the lady at the desk, " Hey lady i got 30 minutes before my ship leaves and i need to get laid. what can i get for $45?" she replies, " all of our good girls are already taken. I'm sorry."
And he's like, " look i really want to get laid i dont care if she's not pretty. Do you have anything?"
The lady thinks for a bit and says, " Well there is one, she is under the stairwell in the hallway. it will be $45."
He's Like, "Great!!! I'll Take it!!!"
so he goes in the little room and starts getting his groove on when all of a sudden He sreams.." Aahhhrrrrggghhhh!!!!!"
He goes running out of the room and the lady asks him," whats the matter are you ok?"
He replies, " I was fucking her and then all of a sudden yellowish- white stuff started coming out of her eyes and nose and mouth..."
The lady then yells, " Hey Earl, The dead one is full!!!" :jerkit:

Vin

07-25-2005, 07:06 PM

Cakes206

07-25-2005, 07:52 PM

:puke1:

+1...nasty.

DougZ

07-25-2005, 07:57 PM

This is forthe slightly older crowd who remembers the commericals:

What do you give an 80 year old woman for her birthday???

Mikey, he'll eat anything. :)

Pirate

07-26-2005, 07:52 AM

my ex- manager at the night club told me that joke... :wow:

Pirate

08-04-2005, 11:26 AM

The Mexican drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, " In Mexico our glasses so cheap we don't need to drink from the same glass twice."
The Iraqi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his AK-47 and shoots the glass to pieces. He says,"In Iraq we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either.
The Texan, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the Mexican and the Iraqi, and catches his glass. He says, "In America we have so many Mexicans and Arabs that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.

Pirate

08-22-2005, 08:21 AM

A blond died her hair brown because she was tired of being picked on,She was driving along the countryside when she got a bright idea and stopped at a nearby farm. she said to the farmer "If i can tell you how many sheep you have in total can I have one?""ok" said the farmer, so she quickly counted them and said 91. The farmer looked around astonished and said "alright take one"As she was walking back to her car the farmer said "If i can guess your natural hair colour can i have my dog back?"

Pirate

08-22-2005, 08:22 AM

would someone tell me if they like these??

Vin

08-22-2005, 10:03 AM

would someone tell me if they like these??

Keep posting, that's what the thread's for. :)

ronin_01r1

08-24-2005, 05:48 AM

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant
you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed
to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"

The woman said, "That's okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the
world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your
husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will
flock to".

The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful
woman, and he will have eyes only for me."

So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the
world. And he will be ten times richer than you."

The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his
is mine."

So, KAZAM - she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd
like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop
here and continue feeling good.

Male readers only: Please scroll down.

The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!!

Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really
smart.

Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to
show that women never listen!!!

:lol:

Cakes206

10-02-2005, 09:32 AM

Two women were talking about their lives since they had become Nursing home residents.

They both agreed that life was good but one woman, Ethel, said she was rather upset because her sex life had really died out since she and her Husband had come to the nursing home.

The other woman said that her sex life was great!

"The secret to great sex is this," the woman told her, "when my husband is getting ready for bed, I get undressed, lay on the bed and put both legs behind my head. When he comes out and sees me like that he gets so excited, we have wild sex the rest of the night!"

Ethel says, "I'm going to try that tonight!"

When Ethel's husband is getting ready in the bathroom that night, she takes off all her clothes. Although it's a struggle, she gets one leg up and behind her head. Pretty soon, she has the other leg behind her head as well. After accomplishing this great feat, Ethel falls backwards and can't move.

It's not too long before her husband comes out of the bathroom. With a shocked look on his face, her husband yells "For God's sake Ethel, comb your hair and put your teeth in, you look like an asshole!"

John712

10-04-2005, 03:54 PM

On a hot summer day, a redneck cowboy came riding into town on his horse with his dog following. He tied the horse and dog under the shade of a tree and went into the bar for a cold beer.

About 20 minutes later a policeman came into the bar and asked who owned the dog tied under the tree. The redneck cowboy said that it was his. The policeman said, "Your dog seems to be in heat." The redneck cowboy replies, "No way dog's in heat; he's cool cause I got'im tied under the shade of the tree." The policeman says, "No! you don't understand; your dog needs to be bred." No way", the redneck cowboys says, "dog don't need bread, he's not hungry, cause I fed him beef jerky this mornin". Now the policeman gets mad and yells out; "NO! You don't seem to understand, your dog wants to have sex!"

The redneck cowboy looks at him and says, "Go ahead. I always wanted a police dog!"

ZumaMama

10-04-2005, 05:24 PM

A man is riding down the road on his motorcycle when a rabbit dashes out in front of him. He tries his best but hits the rabbit and kills it. He standing by the side of the road by the dead rabbit looking very sad when a blonde in a convertible stops. She asks the man whats wrong and he tells her about hitting the rabbit and that it's dead. The Blonde replies "Oh I can fix that" and she goes to the trunk of her car and returns with a can. She shakes the can and sprays the rabbit. Suddenly the rabbit jumps up waves and hops down the road 10 feet. He stops again and waves and hops 10 feet more. He continues doing this until he is out of sight. The man is amazed and says " Wow that's amazing can whats in the can? Can I see it" The blonde hands the can to the man and the label reads
"Hair Spray. Revives dead hair and leaves a permanent wave" :lol:

Had to send it
Linda

ZumaMama

10-04-2005, 05:27 PM

one more quick one

What's the difference between a hoover vacuum and a harley?

The position of the dirtbag! :lol:

Sorry Harley guys but I just love that one.

Mike295

11-01-2005, 12:57 PM

Horse walks in to a bar.. Bartender asks "Why the long face?"

thank you good night I will be here all week besure to tip your waitres :)

High_Revs_17

11-01-2005, 01:05 PM

Why does a chicken coupe have two doors?

Cuz if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan. :ohmygod:

Barbi

11-30-2005, 01:24 PM

Horse walks in to a bar.. Bartender asks "Why the long face?"

thank you good night I will be here all week besure to tip your waitres :)

:omg: I thought I was the only one that knew that joke! :LOL:

Ok, ok....

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No ideer.

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

Still no ideer.

one more.... :lol:

What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no "thingy"?

Still no fugging ideer.

:crazy: thank you thank you!

Barbi

11-30-2005, 01:34 PM

Why do eskimos wash their clothes in tide?

Cuz it's too cold out-tide.

Smokes35

11-30-2005, 05:36 PM

To a man in the dentist chair, the dentist asks, do you mind if I ask a personal question?
The man says sure ,go ahead. The dentist asks were you eating a little pussy last night?

The man replies why yes, do I have pubes in my teeth?

The dentist says no you have shit in your nose.

soda7o

12-01-2005, 06:21 PM

Two women friends had gone for a "girls night out."
They both were very faithful, loving wives... however, they had gotten a bit over enthusiastic on Margaritas at the Rio.

Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to pee, so they stopped in a cemetery. One had nothing to wipe with so she decided to take off her panties and use them. Her friend, however, was wearing expensive panties and didn't want to ruin them... luckily she had squatted next to a grave that had a fresh wreath with a ribbon on it... so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls completed their "business" they continued toward home.

The following day, one of the husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed and hung over. He phoned the other husband, and said "These girls nights out have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst! My wife came home with no panties!"

"That's nothing!" said the other husband, "mine came back with a card stuck to her butt that read:

"FROM ALL OF US AT THE FIRE STATION... WE WILL NEVER FORGET YOU!!!"

soda7o

12-02-2005, 03:30 PM

A man escapes from prison where he has spent the last 15 years. He breaks into
a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He
orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed
he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "listen, this guy's an
escaped convict look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail
and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex,
don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much
he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us.
Be strong, honey. I love you".

To which the wife responds: "he wasn't kissing my neck. He was
whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute,
and asked if we had any Vaseline(petroleum jelly or lotion). I told him it
was in the bathroom.

Be strong honey. I Love you too!!"

Ant

12-02-2005, 03:49 PM

A Greek and Italian were sitting in a Starbuck's one day discussing who had the superior culture.

Over triple lattés the Greek guy says, "Well, we have the Parthenon."

Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."

The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."

The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire."

And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.

With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"

The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women!"

FigNewTon

12-02-2005, 03:53 PM

One day, down in the mystical forest, a magical frog was hopping towards a water hole. The forest was so enormous that the frog had never laid eyes on another animal before. But today, by chance a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner.

The frog called for the two to stop and said, "Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant both of you three wishes. Bear, you can go first." The bear thought for a moment, and being the male he was, said, "I wish for all the bears in this forest, apart from me, to be female."

For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it on. The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that.

It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest were female as well."

The rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and roared the engine. The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for such idiotic items, because after all, he could have asked for money and bought the bike.

For the last wish the bear thought for a while and then said, "I wish that all the bears in the world, apart from me, were female."

The rabbit grinned, roared the engine, and said, "I wish that the bear was gay."

Ant

12-02-2005, 04:10 PM

A bear and rabbit are sitting next to each other in the woods taking a crap. The bear looks over at the rabbit and asks "Do you have a problem with poop sticking to your fur?" The rabbit replies "No".

So the bear picks him up and wipes his ass. :LOL:

FigNewTon

12-29-2005, 11:45 AM

A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students. Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, "Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"

She replied, "He's probably playing golf with his friends."

Cakes206

12-31-2005, 11:43 AM

JENNINGS!

Hehe, yo...scroll up a couple posts :lol:

Anyone seen Xenos? :lol:

FigNewTon

12-31-2005, 02:37 PM

Hehe, yo...scroll up a couple posts :lol:

Anyone seen Xenos? :lol:
Whats the problem? hehehe

Cakes206

12-31-2005, 04:56 PM

Whats the problem? hehehe

LMFAO!!

Smokes35

01-04-2006, 04:13 PM

This pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel hanging from his fly...

The bartender says to the pirate, "Pirate, you've got a sterring wheel hanging from your crotch!"

And the pirate says, "arrrgh, I know, it's drivin me nuts."

jcblitz

02-02-2006, 12:52 AM

best blonde joke ever:

http://iphotoforum.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=19372&highlight=&sid=eb1fb41e19a8549d79c1cd2b84622ba9

njf4i

02-02-2006, 07:52 AM

best blonde joke ever:

http://iphotoforum.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=19372&highlight=&sid=eb1fb41e19a8549d79c1cd2b84622ba9
:LOL: Don't try to figure that joke out when you first get up in the morning. :ohmygod:

Taz

02-02-2006, 09:59 AM

:ohmygod: I should have finished my coffee first. :banghead:

Barbi

02-03-2006, 01:33 PM

I don't have time to keep looking for this... I have to leave soon....

Barbi

04-25-2006, 12:48 PM

A man entered his favorite upscale restaurant and sat at his regular table. After looking around, he noticed a gorgeous woman sitting at a table nearby, all alone. He motioned the waiter over and asked him to send their most expensive bottle of Merlot over to the woman, knowing that if she accepted the bottle, she would be his. The waiter took the Merlot to the woman "This is from the gentleman seated over there," he said, indicating the sender. She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at the man, but decided to send a reply back in a note. The waiter took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He then folded it, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to return it to the woman.

It read: "For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600 and a Porsche Turbo in my garage. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you would I cut three inches off. Just send the bottle back."

PitsVtec

04-25-2006, 03:13 PM

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near death experience. SeeingGod, she asked, "Is my time up"? God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live." Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, brow lift, lip enhancement, boob job, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was hit and killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me out of the path of the ambulance?" God replied, "Girrrlllllll, I didn't even recognize you!" :boogie:

PitsVtec

04-27-2006, 04:33 PM

This is a HILARIOUS story from an engaged man:

I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me . It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was braless. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test...we couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to our family!!!"

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car...:LOL:

shadoxkila

04-28-2006, 04:37 PM

Two quick ones:

what do you say to a girl with two black eyes?
-Nothing you already told the bitch twice

Whats the best part of fucking 28 year olds?
-theres 20 of them

shadoxkila

04-28-2006, 04:44 PM

A rich man and a poor man are sitting in a bar late one night. They're talking about different things and then the poor man asks the rich man what he got his wife for her birthday.

"I got her a brand new Mercedes Benz and a 24-karat diamond ring", said the rich man.

The poor man, a bit puzzled by this, says "Why in the hell did you get her both?"

The rich man replies, "I got her both because if she doesn't like the ring, she can take it back in her new car and exchange it."

After this, the rich man asks the poor man what he got his wife for her birthday.

The poor man responds," I got her a pair of flip-flops and a dildo."

Obviously confused, the rich man asks why he chose those items.

The poor man replied, " Because if she don't like the flip-flops, she can go fuck herself."

PitsVtec

05-01-2006, 10:03 AM

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old fart, time for you to retire.” The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"

The young rooster says, "Beat it. You are washed up and I am taking over."

The old rooster says, "I tell you what young stud, I'll race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."

The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I'll give you a head start."

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farm house and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs his shotgun and BOOM he blows the young rooster to bits.

The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Damn...third GAY rooster I bought this month."

Moral of this story?. . .

Don't mess with the OLD FARTS! Age, skill, wisdom and a little treachery will always overcome youth and arrogance!

John712

05-03-2006, 02:00 PM

In original native culture of Thailand, when males reach the
>>>> >>age 18 they participate in a ceremony as follows:
>>>> >>
>>>> >>They stand naked in a large circle, facing inward. A
>>>> >>beautiful naked girl does a sexy dance in the center of the circle.
>>>> >>Behind each male is a beautiful naked girl. As soon as all the
>>>> >>males are excited and have erections, the girls behind them
>>>> >>reach through between their legs, pull their erect penises
>>>> >>downward and then release them. Their penises spring
>>>> >>back up and go "WHAP!" against their bellies.
>>>> >>
>>>> >>A measurement of strength of masculinity.
>>>> >>
>>>> >>And that's why the capital of Thailand is called Bangkok.

Hassmaschine

05-14-2006, 11:25 PM

On a farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.

Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life. Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing and he would then lift him out of the pit.

The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

--The moral of the story?

"When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks!"

gottaducati

05-14-2006, 11:36 PM

a " Hey Earl, The dead one is full!!!" :jerkit:

thats so bad...

gottaducati

05-14-2006, 11:39 PM

A blond "If i can guess your natural hair colour can i have my dog back?"

WEAK

gottaducati

05-14-2006, 11:42 PM

A Woman was out golfing Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop
here and continue feeling good.

Male readers only: The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!!

Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really
smart.

Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to
show that women never listen!!!

:lol:

NICE
:)

gottaducati

05-14-2006, 11:48 PM

Horse walks in to a bar.. Bartender asks "Why the long face?"

thank you good night I will be here all week besure to tip your waitres :)

that was horrible

that wasnt even funny

gottaducati

05-14-2006, 11:48 PM

Why does a chicken coupe have two doors?

Cuz if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan. :ohmygod:

that was bad
:moocow:

gottaducati

05-14-2006, 11:51 PM

:omg: I thought I was the only one that knew that joke! :LOL:

Ok, ok....

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No ideer.

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

Still no ideer.

one more.... :lol:

What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no "thingy"?

Still no fugging ideer.

:crazy: thank you thank you!

no ideer not funny
:drool:

High_Revs_17

05-14-2006, 11:52 PM

that was bad
:moocow:

Goddamn right it was

gottaducati

05-15-2006, 12:08 AM

i got one...

how do you know youre at a gay bar-b-Q??

all the hot dogs taste like shit...

Barbi

05-16-2006, 04:18 PM

:popcorn:

Barbi

05-16-2006, 04:22 PM

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day, the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.

The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick work-out at the spa before meeting a dinner date.

The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her lady boss. Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.

The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again and they asked the blonde if she was going with them.

"No way!" the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday".

Barbi

05-16-2006, 04:23 PM

Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."

Mach1

05-26-2006, 03:10 PM

A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new Corvette convertible. He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head. "This is great," he thought as he roared up I-75. He pushed the pedal to the metal even more. Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. "I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he tromped it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then 110, 120 mph.
Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing." He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up with him. The trooper pulled in behind the Corvette and walked up to the man. "Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 10 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The man looked at the trooper and said, "Years ago my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back"
"Have a good day, Sir," said the Trooper

HookRone

06-01-2006, 04:36 PM

Marriage (Part I)

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after
the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I
want-and I don't expect any hassle from you I expect a great dinner to be on
the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting,
fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and
don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. “Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand
that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether
you're here or not."

(DARN SHE'S GOOD!)

************************************************

Marriage (Part II)

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their
40th wedding anniversary!
The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
that reads, "Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever.'
"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a
headstone that reads, "Here Lies My Husband--Stiff At Last.'"

(HE ASKED FOR IT!)

*****************************************

Marriage (Part III)

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the
breakfast table Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in
bed either," and storms out of the house.

After some time he realizes he was nasty and decides to make
amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the
irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?"
She says, "I was in bed."

"In bed this early, doing what?"

"Getting a second opinion!"

(YEP, HE HAD THAT COMING, TOO!)

*****************************************

Marriage (Part IV)

A man has six children and is very proud of his
achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling
his wife," Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it IS
time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.
He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home Mother of Six?"

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion
shouts right back, "Any time you're ready, Father of Four."

(RIGHT ON, LADY!)
*****************************************

THE SILENT TREATMENT

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were
giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly the man realized that the
next day he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early
morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence
(and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He
left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning the man woke up,
only to discover it was 9:00 AMand he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened
him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is
5:00 AM. Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

*****************************************

RonJ83

06-01-2006, 06:35 PM

i got one...

how do you know youre at a gay bar-b-Q??

all the hot dogs taste like shit...

:rock:

Drew

07-01-2006, 07:07 AM

There are two flies in the kitchen. Which one is the cowboy?

The one on the range! :moocow:

SAXON117

07-01-2006, 09:05 AM

A hippie gets on the bus and spots a pretty young nun. He sits down next to her, and asks her "Can we have sex?"
"NO," she replies, "I'm married to God."

She stands up, and gets off at the next stop. The bus driver, who overheard turns to the hippie and says "I can tell you how to get to have sex with her!"

"Yeah?" says the hippie.

"Yeah!" says the bus driver. "She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray. So all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a hood, put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard, and pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God."

The hippie decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday night.

"I am God," he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his face.

"Have sex with me."

The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her virginity.

'God' agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her. As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish.

"Ha-ha," he cries "I'm the hippie!"

"Ha-ha," cries the nun. "I'm the bus driver!"
:roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao:

now that shit is funny

SAXON117

07-02-2006, 06:59 AM

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since his family lives on a farm, his mother asks if he has done his chores." Not yet," said the little boy. His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a
chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"
:roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao:

xstortion

07-19-2006, 10:24 AM

THE INTERNATIONAL RULES OF MANHOOD

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is ok for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
a When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
c. After wrecking your boss' car.
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
e. When she is using her teeth.

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she is officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever! Issue closed.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. that's just greedy.

19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending our response.

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while he is lifting weights:
a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c. Another set and we can hit the showers!

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing:
e.g. Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc.
For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation ou need.

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone! Hang up if necessary!

24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26: Thou shall not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.

28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below.

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask, "Are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next!"

I hope this clears up any confusion.

SAXON117

07-20-2006, 02:14 PM

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the man and said, "Do you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.

"Nope, sure ain't." said the man. "Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan.

"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone

"Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.

"Yep," was the calm reply.

"And you are still not afraid?" asked Satan.

"Nope," said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, " Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years

jcblitz

07-25-2006, 10:51 AM

The lady at the Immigration and Naturalization office came into the office late one day to see a room full of people. She took a moment to overhear a conversation already in progress before her anonymity was compromised. Two Italians were engaged in an animated conversation. Her attention was galvanized when she heard one of them say:

First Emma, she coma.
Then I coma.
Then to asses they bump togetha'.
Then I coma again.
Then to asses they bump togetha' again.
Then I coma again.
Then pee twice.
Then I coma one lasta' time.
"You foul mouth swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

He says to her, "Hey, coola downa lady. Imma justa teachin' my frena' howa' to spella' Mississippi."

Cakes206

09-12-2006, 03:40 PM

A blonde was driving down the street in a sweat because she had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

Looking up toward heaven, she said, "Lord, take a pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Church every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up sex and tequila."

Instantly, and miraculously, a parking place appeared.

She looked up again and said,
"Never mind, I found one!"

:roflmao: :roflmao:

sonny

09-12-2006, 03:46 PM

GinoE

09-12-2006, 03:51 PM

two flies on the toilet seat, now there is only one...

the other one got pissed off

There are two flies in the kitchen. Which one is the cowboy?

The one on the range! :moocow:

jcblitz

10-04-2006, 12:43 PM

A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.” He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero.” The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week.” The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want.” Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess, that I’ll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?” The man said, “Look, I’m a computer programmer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool.”

Jon FZ1

10-05-2006, 12:51 PM

During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks."

The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first."

The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender.

"I'm a professional gambler," replied the man.

The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?"

"Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy.

"Like what?" asked the bartender.

"Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said.

The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said.

So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you screwed me," said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.

"I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye," said the stranger.

The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet." So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.

"Aw, you screwed me again!" protested the bartender.

"That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars," said the man.

With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop."

The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "Okay, you're on," he said.

The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.

The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!"

The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!"

Jon FZ1

10-05-2006, 12:59 PM

Two drunks were trying to figure out how to get some alcohol for free.

They only had a dollar in change between them. "I've got it, follow me." said the first man.

They went to a hot dog stand and bought a dog and threw away the bun. "We'll go into a bar and order drinks, and when the bartender asks for money, I'll unzip my fly and pull out the hot dog. You drop to your knees and pretend to suck me off."

The second man agrees to this and they start thier rounds.

When they get to the bar, they sit down and have a beer.

The bartender tells them, "That will be 3 dollars."

The first man stands up and upzips his fly. The second man drops to his knees and starts sucking on the hot-dog.

"You faggots!", screams the bartender. "Get the hell out of here!"

They run out and go to another bar and order drinks and when the bartender asks for money, the first man unzips his fly, and the second man drops to his knees.

The bartender throws them out.

After the sixth bar the second man complains, "Man this isn't working out so well, My knees are killing me!"

"You think you've had it bad..", the first man exclaims......

"I lost the hotdog 4 bars ago!"

Barbi

10-18-2006, 11:21 AM

Little Tony had been playing outside with the other kids for a while
when he came into the house and asked "Grandma, what is that called when 2
people are sleeping in the same room and one is on top of the other ?"

She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth.

"It's called sexual intercourse, darling."

Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK." and went back outside to talk and play
with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,

"Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse!

It's called Bunk Beds! and Jimmy's Mom wants to talk to you."

DSH

10-28-2006, 08:19 AM

FIRST LECTURE ON AUTOPSIES

A professor is giving the first year medical students their first lecture on autopsies, and decides to give them a few basics before starting. "As a medical professional you must be capable of two things to do an autopsy. The first thing is that you must have no sense of fear." At this point, the lecturer sticks his finger into the dead man's anus, and then licks it.

He asks all the students to do the same thing with the corpses in front of them. After a couple of minutes silence, they follow suit.

"The second thing is that you must have an acute sense of observation: I stuck my middle finger into the corpse's anus, but I licked my index."

Cakes206

10-28-2006, 09:25 AM

soda7o

11-22-2006, 01:28 PM

Orthodox JEWISH WEDDING.

A modern Orthodox Jewish couple, preparing for a religious
wedding meet with their rabbi for counseling. The rabbi asks
if they have any last questions before they leave.

The man asks, "Rabbi, we realize it's tradition for men to
dance with men, and women to dance with women at the
reception. But, we'd like your permission to dance
together, like the rest of the world."

"Absolutely not," says the rabbi. "It's immodest. Men and
women always dance
separately."
"So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?"
"No," answered the rabbi. "It's forbidden."
"Well, okay," says the man, "What about sex? Can we finally
have sex?"
"Of course!," replies the rabbi. "Sex is a mitzvah - a good
thing within
marriage, to have children!"

"What about different positions?" asks the man.
"No problem," says the rabbi. "It's a mitzvah!"

"Woman on top?" the man asks.
"Sure," says the rabbi. "Go for it! It's a mitzvah!"

"Doggy style?"
"Sure! Another mitzvah!"< /STRONG>

"On the kitchen table?"
"Yes, yes! A mitzvah!"

"Can we do it on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a
couple of
vibrators, a leather harness, a bucket of honey and a porno
video?"
"You may indeed. It's all a mitzvah!"

"Can we do it standing up?"
" No." says the rabbi."

"Why not?" asks the man.
"Could lead to dancing"

FigNewTon

12-07-2006, 03:16 PM

COP vs. LITTLE GIRL:

A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on
her new shiny bike stopped beside him.

"Nice bike," the cop said. "Did Santa bring it to you?" "Yes Sir"the
little girl said, "he sure did!"

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a
safety violation.

The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back
of it." !!!

The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you've got
there Sir. Did Santa bring it to you?

Playing along with the girl, he chuckled and answered "Yes, he sure did"
!!!

The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the
dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."

SAXON117

01-10-2007, 12:07 PM

Medical Definition...Guts vs. Balls:

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below...

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions

Barbi

01-10-2007, 12:53 PM

:LOL: nice saxon nice

SAXON117

01-10-2007, 01:17 PM

:LOL: nice saxon nice

yeah, I know

Barbi

01-17-2007, 10:36 AM

Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk...
a) Innovative
b) Preliminary
c) Proliferation
d) Cinnamon

Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk...
a) Specificity
b) British Constitution
c) Passive-aggressive disorder
d) Transubstantiate

Things that are ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk...
a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.
b) Nope, no more booze for me.
c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.
d) No kebab for me, thank you.
e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
f) I'm not interested in fighting you.
g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.
h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no co-ordination. I'd hate to look like a fool.
i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.
j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.

HookRone

01-31-2007, 10:45 AM

It was Postman Mike's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift check for $500.

At the second house they presented him fine Cuban cigars in an 18-carat gold box.

The folks at the third house handed him a case of 30-year old Scotch whisky.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a dumb blonde in her lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the dumb blonde fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, tomatoes, bacon, sausage, toast, and freshly-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a $5 bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the five dollars for?"

"Well," said the dumb blonde, "last night, I told my husband that today could be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you".

He said, "Fuck him. Give him five bucks." She smiled prettily. "The breakfast was my idea

SAXON117

01-31-2007, 12:21 PM

A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began
his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second.

On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his
cell phone rang. It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just
been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the
ICU.

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that the
he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was
leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf. H e
decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital.

He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting a
personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating
his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant... Then he
remembered his wife.

Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the
corridor and asked about his wife's condition.

The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your
round of golf didn't you!

"I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past FOUR
hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been
languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished
that round because it will be more than likely your last!" "For the rest
of her life she will require 'round the clock care. And YOU will be her
care giver!"

The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.

The doctor snickered and said, "Im just fucking with you.
She's dead ......What'd you shoot?"

:LOL: :LOL: :LOL: :LOL:

Barbi

02-01-2007, 04:29 PM

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee,
And a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "you must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.

She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly."

Barbi

02-01-2007, 04:31 PM

Man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches Maxine sitting by herself :

Man: "May I buy you a cocktail?"

Maxine: "No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs."

Man: "Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"

Maxine: "No, they spread"

Barbi

02-02-2007, 11:01 AM

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife

Asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side

Of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive. It was, and she

Said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get

It warm, and let it go in the morning?"

He says, "OK, Get in the car with it."

The wife says, "Where shall I put it to get it warm?"

He says, "Put it between your legs. It's nice and warm there."

"But what about the smell?" said the wife.

"Just hold its little nose."

The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat

Him with died at the scene.

jcblitz

02-26-2007, 12:55 AM

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting.

He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said (adopt appropriate dialect), "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport.

Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make theguy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.

The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?" "What?! Get the hell out of my cab." The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.

When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "ok" and off they went. Then, as the drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.

yb929rr

02-26-2007, 02:40 PM

:ohmygod: disturbingly funny:LOL:

Cakes206

03-10-2007, 10:11 AM

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth.

In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.

He tried and tried to dig it out but only succeeded in pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out.

The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat.

Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said, "That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?"

The father replied "From the smell of his fingers, .... Our son in-law!"

John712

03-10-2007, 07:15 PM

A woman was unhappy with the way her laundry was done at the
> >
> >local Chinese Laundry, so she wrote a note and put it in the bag
> >
> >with the next collection of soiled clothes :
> >
> >"USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!"
> >
> >She got the clean laundry back, and was still dissatisfied with the
> >
> >results, so the following week she enclosed another note:
> >
> >"USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!"
> >
> >The Chinese laundryman became very annoyed, and when her
> >
> >clean laundry was delivered, it contained a note from HIM:
> >
> >"I USE PLENTY SOAP ON PANTIES!!!
> >
> >USE MORE PAPER ON ASS!!"

Barbi

06-01-2007, 04:06 PM

Why didn't the elephants want to play cards at the zoo?

Because all the cheetahs!

:LOL:

jcblitz

07-13-2007, 08:35 AM

Donald Rumsfeld briefed the President this morning. He told Bush that Three Brazilian solider were killed in Iraq. To everyone's amazement, all of the color ran from Bush's face, then he collapsed onto his desk, head in hands, visibly shaken, almost whimpering. Finally, he composed himself and asked Rumsfeld, "Just exactly how many is a brazillion?"

I know Rumsfeld is old, but I kept the joke as is.

SPRHK

07-13-2007, 03:18 PM

> A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying

> home because she is not feeling well.

> "What's the matter?" he asks.

> "I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.

> "What the hell is anal glaucoma?"

> "I can't see my ass coming into work today

Cakes206

11-13-2007, 11:16 AM

Just got this emailed to me :roflmao:

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, 'Please come over here and help
me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get
started.'

Her boyfriend asks, 'What is it supposed to be when it's finished?'

The blonde says, 'According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster.'

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over
the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to
her and says,

'First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to
assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.'

He takes her hand and says, 'Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a
nice cup of tea, and then ..' he said with a deep sigh, . ... . . . .

'Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.'

JHuff1219

11-13-2007, 04:39 PM

A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A
blonde came in and asked for a 710 .

We all looked at each other and another customer asked, "What is
a 710 ?"

She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the
engine, I have lost it and need a new one.." She said that she did not
know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there.

The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her
to draw what the piece looked like.

She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710 .

He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and
asked "is there a 710 on this car?"

She pointed and said, "Of course, its right there."

If you're not sure what a 710 is Click Here
http://www.hotautoweb.com/cogifs/710.jpg

SAXON117

12-14-2007, 10:02 AM

Many times when I am troubled or confused, I find comfort in sitting in my
back yard and having a beer along with some conversation with Jesus. This
happened to me again after a particularly difficult day.
I said: "Jesus, why do I work so hard?"
And I heard the reply: "People find many ways to demonstrate the love they
have for their family. You work hard to have a peaceful, beautiful place for
your friends and family to gather."
I said: "I thought that money was the root of all evil."
And the reply was: "No, the LOVE of money is the root of all evil. Money is
a tool; it can be used for good or bad".
I was starting to feel better, but I still had that one burning question, so I asked it. "Jesus," I said, "what is the meaning of life? Why am I here?"
He replied: "That is a question many ask. The answer is in your heart and is different for everyone. I would love to chat with you some more Señor but for now, I have to finish your lawn ."