Smokes35
02-13-2007, 12:39 PM
Valentines Day Rant...
Well, we all know what time of year it is, its winter and its February. That in its self is a recipe for disaster, its cold, snowy, theres nothing good on TV, your cars always dirty as hell, and if you're in my line of work, everyone breaks everything-- they wreck cars, pipes break, etc so its one insurance claim after the other. But to top it all off the great people at Hallmark have decided to institute a holiday specifically to make me depressed this year... Valentines day.
For those of you in happy, healthy relationships, stop reading now. You've probably already told me im an idiot for not liking this holiday anyway, so the rest of this dosent apply to you. This is only for those of us who have been driven into social dispairity becuase of the constant reminder of how inadequate we are for being single. This is my first single Valentines day since 8th grade... For those of you who are much like me, i offer the following advice to help cope with the next 72 hours.
1. Avoid any places couples go. No movies, no malls, no restaurants. Stick to havens for single people: Clubs, some bars, methedone clinics, your local bus station, the DMV, Wester Psychiatric, etc. I dont know about you, but something makes me sick about seeing couples all happy and engaged with one another when all you can think about is how you couldnt even get your ex to even answer her phone.
2. Occupy your time. Rent a movie, but do it today, there will be couples all over your local blockbuster tomorrow, so plan ahead. No romantic comedys, chick flicks, or scarry movies. Stick to angry ones-- Reservoir dogs, The Departed, Scarface, The Godfather, or something else thats a little dark. Order some pizza, take the phone off the hook and hunker down like you're in a bomb shelter during the cold war. Take up knitting and make your grandmother an afghan. Offer to babysit someones kid while mom and dad head out for the night. Do something, whatever u do, DO NOT watch the Firends Valentines day special or watch anything on MTV. Chances are MTV will only fruther depress you with Real World Vs. Road Rules - The Wedding Challenge, or some shit like that. I'll be in my basement with my guitars and my drum set. That should make for hours of entertainment.
3. Call off work tomorrow. Theres only one thing worse than hearing about someone great valentines day and thats having to explain why yours sucked. So just take the day off, hell, finish of the week at home even so you dont have to look at all the flowers everyone but you had delivered. You'll be saving yourself from alot of pain... I mean its bad enough to hear someones Valentines Day story, or look at someone elses vacations photos and have to act all excited, why add the misery of your own soap opera?
4. Get "Black out", "i dont give to fucks about anything" drunk and hit on everyone person you see.
If you dont have the power to seclude yourself from the relationship commited croud, you might as well have a little fun with it....
1. Find your nearest Hallmart or other card store. Stand in the isle and try to help every person of the opposite sex help pick out a Valentine for their significant other. Make sure you only pick the dumbest, most retarded, horrible cards u can find. You may have to do a little store recon early in the day to find some really bad ones, but the shocked and terrified looks on peoples faces should make for a lot of laughs.
2. Dress up like cupid. Shoot people with imaginary arrows. Make sure to ruin the date of every single couple that walks by. Be loud, obnoxious, smell bad, you name it, do whatever it is you can do to let them be apart of your misery. Dont be obvious tho, dont run out there and stab people with arrows, just be as fake as possible and intrude a little bit... If you see a couple kissing, scream "OMG SO CUTE!" (say o-m-g, not oh my God, that makes it even worse) Run over there and group hug the shit out of them.
3. Make a reservation at a restaraunt for 2. Bring flowers, candy, a present. Dress to impress... then just sit there and keep telling the waitress youre waiting for you date... wait all night, and if you dont atleast get a sympathy date from the waitress... burn the place down. Women, make the same reservation, wear a pretty dress, sit down, wait 20minutes or so then cry uncontrollably. Theres atleast one guy in the place that will talk to you, even if it is just to make you shut up.
3a. Women Only. Make a "girly-doctor" appointment. Hey, ya might as well get a lil sumthin sumthin from someone, even if it hurts like hell and its your weird ass obgyn groping you.
4. Dress up like something. Then go around apologizing that with all the candy everywhere, you thought it was halloween. Couple this with idea #3 and u might get some SERIOUS sympathy points, ya never know.
You may ask... "Andy, what has made you so particularly jaded this year?" Well, truth of the matter is, i have no effin clue. Maybe its getting old. Maybe its sick of all the bullshit. Maybe i;ve just had it with all the games people play. All the lies and bullshit get to everyone eventaully. However, I am accepting all applications for next years Valentine's Day Date.
Well anyways... For those of you reading this that do have exciting dates and plans for this evening, i wish you and your significant other the best of luck, love, and happiness. I really hope you all have a great time...
As for the rest of you-- See ya at the bar...
Well, we all know what time of year it is, its winter and its February. That in its self is a recipe for disaster, its cold, snowy, theres nothing good on TV, your cars always dirty as hell, and if you're in my line of work, everyone breaks everything-- they wreck cars, pipes break, etc so its one insurance claim after the other. But to top it all off the great people at Hallmark have decided to institute a holiday specifically to make me depressed this year... Valentines day.
For those of you in happy, healthy relationships, stop reading now. You've probably already told me im an idiot for not liking this holiday anyway, so the rest of this dosent apply to you. This is only for those of us who have been driven into social dispairity becuase of the constant reminder of how inadequate we are for being single. This is my first single Valentines day since 8th grade... For those of you who are much like me, i offer the following advice to help cope with the next 72 hours.
1. Avoid any places couples go. No movies, no malls, no restaurants. Stick to havens for single people: Clubs, some bars, methedone clinics, your local bus station, the DMV, Wester Psychiatric, etc. I dont know about you, but something makes me sick about seeing couples all happy and engaged with one another when all you can think about is how you couldnt even get your ex to even answer her phone.
2. Occupy your time. Rent a movie, but do it today, there will be couples all over your local blockbuster tomorrow, so plan ahead. No romantic comedys, chick flicks, or scarry movies. Stick to angry ones-- Reservoir dogs, The Departed, Scarface, The Godfather, or something else thats a little dark. Order some pizza, take the phone off the hook and hunker down like you're in a bomb shelter during the cold war. Take up knitting and make your grandmother an afghan. Offer to babysit someones kid while mom and dad head out for the night. Do something, whatever u do, DO NOT watch the Firends Valentines day special or watch anything on MTV. Chances are MTV will only fruther depress you with Real World Vs. Road Rules - The Wedding Challenge, or some shit like that. I'll be in my basement with my guitars and my drum set. That should make for hours of entertainment.
3. Call off work tomorrow. Theres only one thing worse than hearing about someone great valentines day and thats having to explain why yours sucked. So just take the day off, hell, finish of the week at home even so you dont have to look at all the flowers everyone but you had delivered. You'll be saving yourself from alot of pain... I mean its bad enough to hear someones Valentines Day story, or look at someone elses vacations photos and have to act all excited, why add the misery of your own soap opera?
4. Get "Black out", "i dont give to fucks about anything" drunk and hit on everyone person you see.
If you dont have the power to seclude yourself from the relationship commited croud, you might as well have a little fun with it....
1. Find your nearest Hallmart or other card store. Stand in the isle and try to help every person of the opposite sex help pick out a Valentine for their significant other. Make sure you only pick the dumbest, most retarded, horrible cards u can find. You may have to do a little store recon early in the day to find some really bad ones, but the shocked and terrified looks on peoples faces should make for a lot of laughs.
2. Dress up like cupid. Shoot people with imaginary arrows. Make sure to ruin the date of every single couple that walks by. Be loud, obnoxious, smell bad, you name it, do whatever it is you can do to let them be apart of your misery. Dont be obvious tho, dont run out there and stab people with arrows, just be as fake as possible and intrude a little bit... If you see a couple kissing, scream "OMG SO CUTE!" (say o-m-g, not oh my God, that makes it even worse) Run over there and group hug the shit out of them.
3. Make a reservation at a restaraunt for 2. Bring flowers, candy, a present. Dress to impress... then just sit there and keep telling the waitress youre waiting for you date... wait all night, and if you dont atleast get a sympathy date from the waitress... burn the place down. Women, make the same reservation, wear a pretty dress, sit down, wait 20minutes or so then cry uncontrollably. Theres atleast one guy in the place that will talk to you, even if it is just to make you shut up.
3a. Women Only. Make a "girly-doctor" appointment. Hey, ya might as well get a lil sumthin sumthin from someone, even if it hurts like hell and its your weird ass obgyn groping you.
4. Dress up like something. Then go around apologizing that with all the candy everywhere, you thought it was halloween. Couple this with idea #3 and u might get some SERIOUS sympathy points, ya never know.
You may ask... "Andy, what has made you so particularly jaded this year?" Well, truth of the matter is, i have no effin clue. Maybe its getting old. Maybe its sick of all the bullshit. Maybe i;ve just had it with all the games people play. All the lies and bullshit get to everyone eventaully. However, I am accepting all applications for next years Valentine's Day Date.
Well anyways... For those of you reading this that do have exciting dates and plans for this evening, i wish you and your significant other the best of luck, love, and happiness. I really hope you all have a great time...
As for the rest of you-- See ya at the bar...